


Jealous

by madseba



Category: Chuck (TV)
Genre: :-), F/M, I'm just sorry, haha im sorry, that's all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8040991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madseba/pseuds/madseba
Summary: "I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was heartbreak and miseryI'm jealous of the way you're happy without me."





	Jealous

**Author's Note:**

> SO, I have an entire playlist full of heartbreaking music on Spotify. I know, bad plan. Anyway, this is the brainchild based on "Jealous" by Labrinth, which, by the way, is a beautiful piece of music and you should 100% listen to it before/during/after reading this.
> 
> -The T rating is just for language.

Chuck was always a masochist. Since birth, Chuck was most tolerant of his own suffering. He was too empathetic to care about his own struggles. So, he knew this was a bad idea. When she left, this time, he knew it was for real. She'd run away before. After all, Sarah was always a flight risk. Typical spy. She was highly trained to avoid her feelings. He knew she would eventually flee. They all do. Bond never stayed with girls for much more than an evening, a lifetime was too much for Chuck to ask for. 

And he knew that.

Yet, there he stood. In the hallway of a fancy hotel in Budapest. He had tracked her there after six months of pining and waiting for her to come back. She didn't. So he followed her. He pursued her, like he always had. He'd already raised his hand to knock three times, and drew back all three times. He was careful not to make too much noise. She could probably hear his breathing. She could probably hear his brain working overtime.

 _You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Fuck, can you do this?_   _She probably doesn't want to see you. What if her cover gets blown when you knock on her door? Oh, God. Oh, God._

He took a deep breath and knocked. Risky. He raised his eyebrows, trying to focus on being impressed with himself instead of the overwhelming desire to fling himself from the balcony. 

The door opened. She was in a peach colored nightgown. The one she had worn when they were in the FULCRUM neighborhood acting as Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael. He didn't know how many times he could fall in love with this one, but he had taken calculus and was pretty sure the limit didn't exist. His eyes softened. She had opened the door. This was going better than he had planned.

"Chuck?" she whispered, closing the door behind her. He studied every inch of her. Six months is a long-ass time when you're waiting for the love of your life.

"Chuck," she repeated, catching his attention with a wave of her hand, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"I- I'm sorry, I tailed you--tracked you. I'm sorry. I just-- I needed to see you and make sure you were alright after you ran off like that."

Her eyes softened now, and the corners of her mouth twisted into a smile. He tried to hug her. She placed her hands on his chest to stop him.

"Oh, God. Oh, God. Did I blow your cover or something? Sarah, I'm so sorry, I'll explain everything to the General or whoever--"

"No, you didn't blow my cover, Chuck, I don't have a cover. Why are you here?" She chewed the corner of her mouth and her eyes roamed the floor, finding something other than him to focus on. She knew if she looked at him it would be over. She would take him right there, like she always did. He was her kryptonite. His big puppy dog eyes had ruined her countless times and she couldn't let this be another.

"I quit my job at the Buy More. I moved out of Ellie and Awesome's, and," he pulled a thin, black wallet out of his left pocket, "I'm a real spy now. No more asset." He smiled so brightly it could've lit the city. She lifted her eyes to look at his new credentials.

 Charles I. Carmichael. CIA.

"Carmichael," she whispered, nearly inaudibly.

"Yeah, they let me keep playing that one," he smirked.

"Look, Chuck, you can't be here," she looked at his face as confusion furrowed his brow.

"Why the hell not? You're not undercover, I'm not undercover. I'm a real spy now," he shook his credentials again and willed himself not to cry, "Sarah, we could really be together. I mean, maybe not settle down in a FULCRUM neighborhood and have cookouts and a  _dog_ settle down but we could try! I'm not the Intersect anymore! I'm just...I'm just Chuck." He ran his hands up her arms, trying to make her believe him.

Her hotel room door opened. Throwing himself off the balcony seemed better than ever.

_Shit._

"Chuck, hey, man, what are you doing here?" Bryce stuck his hand out and Chuck, ever polite, shook it. 

"Uh," Chuck tried desperately to hide the lump in his throat, "just...visiting. Showing these off." He tossed Bryce his credentials.

"Oh, hey, that's great, congratulations, man. Do you have a mission in the area, or? Anything we can help with?" Bryce slung his arm around Sarah's shoulders and she winced. Chuck knew it was to protect him, it was always to protect him. Bryce and Sarah had always been good together. A perfect spy team. Badass, smart, and sexy as hell. How could he have stood a chance?

"Nope," Chuck gritted his teeth and tried to read Sarah's facial expression. Bryce's phone buzzed in his robe pocket and he checked the caller ID.

"Oh, sorry, excuse me, I have to take this." He stepped back into the hotel room, speaking Czech.

"Chuck..." Sarah took a step toward him, reaching for his forearm. 

"Don't," his voice quivered. Now it was Chuck who couldn't look at her. She lowered her hand and let out a sympathetic sigh.

"Chuck, you have to listen to me."

"No, you listen to me. What the hell is Bryce doing here, Sarah? I mean, I knew you gave me a lot of--of bullshit sweet nothings and false signals through our time together, but  _Bryce?_ "

"Chuck, I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry. I promise it wasn't intentional."

"Not intentional?" His nostrils flared, anger searing the corners of his eyes, "how the fuck is running away from me--halfway around the world--with your ex-boyfriend not intentional?"

She had never seen him this angry. The feeling in the pit of her stomach was not one she was taught to deal with. 

"I'm sorr-"

"Save it, Sarah." He turned to walk back toward the elevator. 

"Damn it, Chuck," she kicked the back of his knee, forgetting that he was likely now combat trained. Luckily, he was too caught off guard. He yelped and hit the floor. He fought against her as best he could, knowing he was still no match for her in combat either.

"Why? Why?" he hissed, some of his signature charm catching him before the sobs could.

"Because you need to listen to me." She hissed, twisting his arm behind his back.

"Fine. Let me go."

Right now, he wished he could tell forgiveness where to shove it. He wasn't cut out for coldness. She removed her knee from his spine and he flipped over, freeing himself.

"Talk if you're going to," he said in a voice so low it could almost be considered a growl. 

A civilian wouldn't be able to read the hurt and betrayal that radiated off of him. His sensitivity training had brought him a long way.

"Okay, when I left, I left because I was too compromi-no," she took a deep breath and corrected herself, "when I left, it was because I was scared."

"Scared? Scared of what?" Chuck's demeanor hardly changed. He was different. Slightly colder. More hardened. She did a number on him.

"You, Chuck. I was scared of you. I had never had feelings for an asset in a mission before, okay? I was afraid that if I didn't get out, right then, I would compromise you, and Casey, and myself."

"You had feelings for me? Real feelings?" She was a bright girl, one of the brightest, but she couldn't figure out what he meant.

"Yes, Chuck, of course I had real f-"

"Did you have real feelings for me because of me or because Bryce was gone and you were worried I was the best you were ever going to do with him out of the picture?"

That stung. He was always so trusting with anyone. Open, honest, kind, noble. He deserved the same in someone else.

"Because of you, Chuck. I loved you because of you." 

Sarah couldn't remember ever being this vulnerable with anyone else before. He couldn't remember her ever saying she loved him before. For a small word, it was damn heavy.

"Then why did you leave? You knew once we got the Intersect out of my head, I'd either be agent or civilian and, either way, I was technically fair game. My bet is that you didn't ever actually love me. You loved the idea of having someone to keep you warm. If you had loved me, Sarah,  _really_ loved me, you would've waited. So why the hell did you leave instead?"

"Because, Chuck! You deserved better than me! Agent, civilian, Intersect, you are  _still_ Chuck Bartowski. And I am still a ruthless killer, a soulless, violent, bitch who would do anything for her job because it's the only thing that ever truly fulfilled me until  _you!_ I could go back to civilian life with you, Chuck. I thought about it, more than once. And it always ended in me leaving. Because I haven't been cut out for civilian life since I was a child. My father didn't allow for that lifestyle. I never had the suburban house with the dog and the husband and the cookouts! I had briefcases full of money, lies, and guns pointed at me. I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't make you me. You're really stupid if you think I didn't love you. I loved you the whole damn time. I left because I loved you."

For the first time to either of their recollection, he couldn't think of anything to say. He just processed. For what felt like a century, he processed.

"Loved," he muttered, finally.

"What?"

"You  _loved_ me." He didn't look at her. He counted threads in the rug. 

"I will always love you, Chuck Bartowski. But I can never play house with you. I left you six months ago. If I hadn't left then, I'd leave another time. I know that you may see it differently, but  _you_ are too good for _me_. You don't deserve someone who will leave."

He lost count anyway, so he looked at her. She was beautiful. She was so beautiful. She was also smart. She was also right. 

"I can't kiss you goodbye, can I?" he swallowed hard. 

"No, Chuck." 

He watched her look at him, as if he was waiting for something to shift. She had never wanted to touch him so badly. Seeing him this upset destroyed her. 

"Goodbye, Sarah." He couldn't imagine anything this difficult. The only thing ever imagined himself crying while he spoke to her were wedding vows.

"Goodbye, Chuck."

 

 


End file.
